Lately I haven’t felt like writing. Well that’s not totally true. I do but there is so much in my head that I feel like I am swimming though muk at times.
Its funny you think your done with cancer. Oh yeah you do. Then something happens and it hits you like a speeding train.
Your never ready for it it just slams you and the feelings come out you can’t stop them. You just have to go through them to get to a better place.
Your scared and the scarred and those scars though they lighten in time…Sometimes they hit hard and furious and the emotion that comes with them is beyond what we can handle.
Lately I am processing through a lot of the head and neck issues. With so many things on top of it. Life in general has me swamped.
That’s when I really need to stop regroup and then its okay. But lately no time to do so. I feel just stuck in the processing.
I feel so grateful for so many things. I really do.
But then it broadsides me the fatigue and it sends me crashing like ocean waves in a storm.
Or someone we love gets sick and I just can’t deal with it. Its just so overwhelming at times.
Today I was over the edge. Someone said I was one of the stongest people they knew. I was thinking if you only knew. If you only felt what I feel at times you might change your thinking.
I don’t feel strong right now. I feel ticked off and stuck in the process of daily bs and living.
I also know some think its over and its done with ..with being stable and in remission. Its not its never over, just different. There is greiving and processing that happens in daily life. Things you can do things you can’t and things that might never happen. The sad thing is its true in life minus sickness to. But with sickness comes a whole lot more then ever possible and going with the flow is a slower pace to get through it.
So I am processing though…I wish I had to words sometimes to write it all here. But i also know its a not a stage thats happening with me as some think. Its truely something that is really happening that is slow and almost earth shattering at times. I just hate it.
Something set me back…in so many ways. 50 yrs ago Oct my Brother was tragically hit and killed by a car. . A horrible death for a seven year old boy. I was a small kid. But I was there.when the news came to my Mom.Our life changed that day as a family . Our lives changed as kids. I never felt like a kid. Over the years I have processed through periods of grief in ebbs. But how it affected me was life altering for me. I won’t lie the death of a sibling is horrible I don’t care what age you are.
You carry it with you . But you are when your never allowed to talk about it . It to leaves scars and changes you.
Over the years so much has been said and not said.
So this October which is my month of my cancer dx. to. And many other things. I recieved in the mail a chuch paper from my Parents with a memorial service for my Brother. Mind you over the years its never been done..or talked about .
In this church paper I am still listed on the prayer list due to my health not a bad thing.
Just Reading about the Memorial Service was crushing. IT blew me away.
It had me calling my friend who is a social worker for support through the processing it brought my way.
It wasn’t pretty. I had already gone to the graveside the day before and it was all that I could handle.
I realized one thing is that no matter what there is always going to be a level of grieving in this loss.
No matter what happens, in life that sibiling will always be there in your memory no matter what.
Processing just happens, and the levels of it are grueling at times.
No book on coping and we all do it differently. Amazing how that works.
Thanksgiving is coming and that to brings processing..amazing what it brings. But i am learning and realizing with hardships come amazing grace in so many forms. So thats life kinda. Wading though to a better place. I will get there again. Just taking the scenic route.
Tonight I am thankful for my Husband ,Kids, and Grand daughter. I am thankful for our Parents and all our Siblings as well as their families
We are so richly blessed by those in our life.
Everything else is secondary.
Have a great Holiday Week
Hugs and Prayers Hope
Club Sammich Cafe© 
Dear Hope. Thank you so much for this eloquent way of telling us exactly how it is to walk in your shoes. I have been there so many times with people but never did see the way that they think before. You shared it so clearly with us. I do count my blessings and you are one of them .. I do wish you a wonderful holiday season with your family and may good health and prosperity follow you all through the season. God bless you.. ^J^ : )
Dear friend,
I know one half of the life you are living. Jim would never discuss with me the thoughts that were in his mind. Just reading your posts give me an insight to the thoughts that must have been going round and around in his mind.
I send my love to you and your family is always in my prayers.
Beth
We keep so many of our emotions bottled up inside and at times we feel we are about to explode.. For years you kept your feelings about your brother surpressed, its no wonder that you feel as you do.. When we are children too hold in so much… we have so much that relates back to our childhood years..
My thoughts and prayers are with you as always Hope..
Hugs to you..
Love and Light.. Dreamwalker xxxx
Hi Hope,
Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts. Dean was never able to tell me what he felt. Until the end he chose to be "strong" for me. I tried to talk to him a few times, but he just couldn’t let me know his fears. Finally, I decided to allow him to be who he was until the end.
I do not pretrend to know how you feel, but I’m grateful that you choose to tell us. Thank you.
Have a good Thanksgiving with your loving faily.
Betty